NICU Day #2 of 127 October 1, 2001
So much going on around me. So many voices, I've never heard so many people talking at once. Where are mommy and daddy? I can hear their voices. Did they just leave me here in this cold awful place?
I still can’t see anything because of the eye patches, but at least I’m beginning to feel warm again. Not warm like in mommy’s tummy, but my skin is warm again. This awful tube is still in my throat, it goes deep inside me. I feel air whooshing in and then out again. So many wires and tubes are strapped to me! I can’t even move because they are so heavy, the ones on my belly are sticky. On my foot there is a scratchy material thing with a light inside, and my other arm is strapped to a board with a needle inserted into me. I can’t even suck my thumb. These people keep poking me. OUCH! They are taking my blood – why? What for? Leave me alone…. Please leave me alone!
My new home is a huge plastic box. I’ve only had a glimpse when the nurse moved me around. It’s weird in here. Sounds are muffled, I feel like I’m inside again, but the box has two round circles that open and when that happens the noise is deafening!
People keep bugging me. They open the portholes to change a wire or move me around. Oh no… this time they are opening the box from the top! What’s going on here? I feel the nurse moving me again, she is pulling me into the cold space. She is laying me on a freezing scale, my wires are pulling on my skin, it feels like they are going to rip me apart. Okay, now she’s putting me back into my box. She’s putting new pads around my bottom and moving wires and stuff around. Finally she closed the box. I’m cold. I hate being cold! Where are mommy and daddy?
Later I wake and hear daddy’s voice. He’s talking to someone. I think he’s talking to the nurse about me. Daddy asks when he can hold me, but the nurse says it’s too soon to know. She says the next few days are critical for me. I want to scream, “Daddy, please hold me NOW! Where is mommy? Please don’t leave me. They are hurting me.”
I can’t see daddy, but I know he’s there. Just outside my box. I know he loves me and wants me to be brave. We pray together that God will heal my body and that daddy and I can be together soon. It makes me so sad. I begin to cry, but no one can hear me because the tube stops the sound. I’m wailing now, but only I can hear it. My chest is heaving up and down it is getting harder to breathe. Okay, I need to calm down. Daddy is near. He sits quietly beside my box. I hope he is daydreaming about what fun we will have together. IF we have a life together.
I wake up to a wonderful dream. Mommy is here! I can sense her and smell her just like I did when I was in her tummy. Someone is opening the portholes, I’m hoping, hoping, hoping… yes! It is mommy. The nurse is telling her how to touch me! Mommy cuddles the top of my head with her palm. I feel her fingers around the top of me and then her other hand other cups my bottom. They tell her not to move her hands. She cannot stroke my skin because it overloads my nervous system. I love my mommy touching me! I feel so much better now. I can hardly feel the pain. My mommy is here and she loves me. I know she is saying prayers too. Prayers that one day we can go home together. I want that too. More than anything I just want to be with my mommy and daddy. Stay here with me mommy. Stay here daddy. Promise you’ll stay.
My new home is a huge plastic box. I’ve only had a glimpse when the nurse moved me around. It’s weird in here. Sounds are muffled, I feel like I’m inside again, but the box has two round circles that open and when that happens the noise is deafening!
People keep bugging me. They open the portholes to change a wire or move me around. Oh no… this time they are opening the box from the top! What’s going on here? I feel the nurse moving me again, she is pulling me into the cold space. She is laying me on a freezing scale, my wires are pulling on my skin, it feels like they are going to rip me apart. Okay, now she’s putting me back into my box. She’s putting new pads around my bottom and moving wires and stuff around. Finally she closed the box. I’m cold. I hate being cold! Where are mommy and daddy?
Later I wake and hear daddy’s voice. He’s talking to someone. I think he’s talking to the nurse about me. Daddy asks when he can hold me, but the nurse says it’s too soon to know. She says the next few days are critical for me. I want to scream, “Daddy, please hold me NOW! Where is mommy? Please don’t leave me. They are hurting me.”
I can’t see daddy, but I know he’s there. Just outside my box. I know he loves me and wants me to be brave. We pray together that God will heal my body and that daddy and I can be together soon. It makes me so sad. I begin to cry, but no one can hear me because the tube stops the sound. I’m wailing now, but only I can hear it. My chest is heaving up and down it is getting harder to breathe. Okay, I need to calm down. Daddy is near. He sits quietly beside my box. I hope he is daydreaming about what fun we will have together. IF we have a life together.
I wake up to a wonderful dream. Mommy is here! I can sense her and smell her just like I did when I was in her tummy. Someone is opening the portholes, I’m hoping, hoping, hoping… yes! It is mommy. The nurse is telling her how to touch me! Mommy cuddles the top of my head with her palm. I feel her fingers around the top of me and then her other hand other cups my bottom. They tell her not to move her hands. She cannot stroke my skin because it overloads my nervous system. I love my mommy touching me! I feel so much better now. I can hardly feel the pain. My mommy is here and she loves me. I know she is saying prayers too. Prayers that one day we can go home together. I want that too. More than anything I just want to be with my mommy and daddy. Stay here with me mommy. Stay here daddy. Promise you’ll stay.
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